Since my last post, so long ago, I have written starts to a lot of topics God placed on my heart. All these beginnings and ideas but with no follow trough, so they are all still in my drafts. However, all these post started because they are kingdom issues God taught me some great things about and I think my insight might help others. Why do I not finish them, at least some? That is a good question, to which I do not have an easy answer, but it will be addressed in this post as part of the reason I am not worthy to His call to be a missionary.
First things first, I am going to Ireland for a two months missions project, but we are all commanded not called to go and make disciples, so we are all missionaries, and this post would be equally true if I was just spreading the good news in my hometown this summer. Before I move on I must admit that the subject matter in this post was one of the topics mentioned in the first paragraph and I probably wouldn't have felt compelled to work through this subject more if I wasn't going overseas to tell a different culture about Jesus, and asking other people for money to do so. Lastly before we get to the crux of this post I believe all this preamble was just a stall because this is going to be by far the hardest blog post I've every done. I am a prideful man and this is taking a deep look why I am woefully unequipped to serve my Master Jesus Christ.
I, for the most part, enjoy studying scripture, and definitely like knowing the verses to support my case. This is my opening point for why I am not good enough for God, because Jesus, God incarnate, reserved some of his harshest language for the pharisees and other religious know-it-alls. I am not saying reading my Bible is a strike against my character, Jesus the perfect God modeled for us the importance of knowing God's word, it was in part how He Himself avoided the devil's temptations. In fact we are instructed to devote ourselves to the scriptures daily. The reason some of Jesus' harshest language "son of vipers" are often times directed at me, is I find my worth in my bible knowledge, I try to form a relationship with an inanimate object, rather than the creator of life.
“You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! -John 5:39-
I even see how the Pharisees are better then me at least they had had follow through in their false idols, they fasted twice a week memorized full books of the bible they committed themselves to the law. Yes I know this showy form of self-worship masqueraded as true worship was something Jesus warned them not to do. To be honest when I was a younger christian I was dumbfounded that the Pharisees had Jesus, the well spring of life, yet clung to their shattered pieces of drinking jars, known as religious practices. Now as I have become wiser in my own way I can relate more to them, which is a dangerous path. I understood that they grow up being taught that to please God do this that and another, then this homeless guy just strolls in saying their livelihood is built upon misunderstandings. How else do you suspect them to react? "Great Jesus I'll do it your way". I know for me when I read something in the bible that doesn't line up with My God or My way of thinking I am not quick to lay down my beliefs for the truth. What God wants and tells me to do should take precedent over tradition, but tradition is easy and comfortable with a lot of my friends supporting me in that.
I read my Bible and it says love my neighbor as myself as part of the greatest commandment, it tells me in order to get into the kingdom of God, we with two jackets must give to those with none. I compare that with the Christian culture in America today and get nearly opposite picture. Instead of brothers and sisters giving even out of their needs, I see pastors in $50,000 cars and hear stories of homeless and humans with records being kicked out of God's place of worship. Again I look at the scripture and I see That Jesus says what you've done to the least of these you've done to me" Then I think back to the Pharisees tradition that says memorize some books tell people what to do and receive prestige and power, or follow this Jesus guy, and lose wealth respect and be hated. I respond often in the same way they did, avoidance, or trying to make my own lifestyle look more godly than the actual godly thing to do.
The realization of the difference between what Christian are called to and how a lot, not all, act can also lead to becoming cynical and/or a since of hopelessness. Cynical in the way that I did, I started following Jesus words more carefully when I was in the mood. During the time I was in the mood I acted as if I never deviated from follower Jesus. When I had compassion for a stranger I was outraged that my friend didn't share my heart, but if I wasn't in the mood there was always understandable extenuating circumstances. I felt a mix of superiority and frustration because I was reading and praying, and some of my friends were not. Frustrated they claimed Jesus with their words but I could point out their inconsistencies even in the dark.
Forgetting the lesson taught in Matthew 7 I first must look at my own sins then others. So that is what I do sometimes, like now, reflecting on how dreadfully short I am from the perfect Holy one which is God.
Keeping that lesson in minds takes me down the hopelessness path, if I am doing this that and another, and still fall so short of God my friends are surely screwed. Or well they are saved and they do not do nearly as much activity as I do, so my effort is wasted. The worst for me is when I just get apathetic to my faith due to the deep reality. Following God is impossible no one is doing a good job and it is lonely trying.
It is at this point when I walk away from the passionate drive God gave me and I re-look at His good commands for us, and I see the temporary fun in saying yes to sin but not the devastating outcomes to simultaneously saying no to God. I think how I do not do this or that or that or that and I go here and give to this resulting in giving away x amount of clothes and x amount of money, all because I want to look christian. I weigh the perceived gain against what I would lose and I think... how I have to be a Christian. This is not yet the Sunday church answer "I just got to be a Christian because life with out Him is buns. It is for the last 5 years of my life being Christian has been my life so I must be a Christian, much as I imagine, the Pharisees felt about the following the law. My whole college I've barely cared about school just enough to get good grades, never doing anything extra to set me apart from any other classmate aside from my Christian organization I am highly involved in InterVarsity. My girlfriend would not date a non-Christian the only future plans I've been looking at involve being a Christian; youth college or urban minister or missionary, all of which I am not worthy of.
Here is where the pretty bow is suppose to go, to wrap up my blog post and put a happy ending on it. That is not what is going to happen because it is part of my brokenness, I care too much about appearances, this has resulted in some earthly loses like giving some of my favorite shirts because it put all the attention on me. In the same way I care how people perceive me like my writing skills (one reason I am just posting this rather than saving in drafts till it is good enough for the public, I use to never do that, my first posts are sloppy and not the best written but I read them and I remember what God did for me then. And that is one of the reasons I started blogging to remind me of God's work in my life) especially my christian walk, so I just want to say I wrestle with not being worthy with one hand and being too prideful in the other, I am not worthy of God's love because I am messed up and try to earn it.
(awkward break)
All that I wrote is to the best of my knowledge true, but is also true that God is the one holding us up not the other way around, God died precisely because we were are not worthy. It is these truths I must submerge myself in to remember: I am worthy of the mission and the support, both finical and spiritually, I am raising for Ireland not because I am so godly, but because God is so redeeming. What other response do I have than to tell others about this kind of redemption. To wrap this post up I am confidently putting a link to World Harvest mission, the organization I am going to Ireland with, so you can get more information to pray for me about, and I have no qualms also saying God is doing great things in my life because of who He is. So it would be a good use of your money if you also feel lead to donate financially. I say this even after a whole post of how I try to be labeled a Christian sometimes more then I try to follow Christ. I still have this confidants only because He will not stop the good work He did in me, and I believe Ireland will be a great stepping stone of growth for me personally and He will use me in ways I can not even imagine yet.
http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=22066
