Transitory by Design

Below is a blog post I wrote for the Greensboro Fellows program (aside from some made up words not making it to the official copy). Check out some of the other things we have been up to this year http://www.greensborofellows.com/#!following-the-fellows/c43a
This past week The Greensboro Fellows, as well as our honorary members Elspeth Glasgow and Chris and Jessie Meriwether, traveled to Baltimore Maryland. I have been looking forward to this trip since before I joined the program because we were going to see Ravi Zacharias.  Ravi (we are first-name close, check the picture), is a Christian speaker I have queued up on my podcast app to give myself an intellectual mind blown't experience.  However, my big take away from the trip was not anything Ravi said, but the opportunities seized in transit.

             Our taste of nomadic lifestyle had me resonating with a biblical verse in a new way. 1 Peter 2:11a: "Dear friends, I urge you, as foreigners..."  By design we are not meant to be stagnant in any sense of the word.  I think it is easy in the hustle and bustle of routine to hinder God's "little" blessings, or at least not notice them.  This adventure to Maryland was not weighed down with such monotony. We made memories with former strangers, had opportunities to pray for previously unknown siblings in the kingdom and had doors open by opening doors with no expectation of repayment.  All these beautiful interactions happened in literal transition as we were making our way to another location. If we would have been consumed about reaching our destination with efficiency as the highest priority, I would say this trip would have been one big missed opportunity after the next.  In such an isolated incident as a road trip, it could be enticing to believe this type of intentionality is not intended to be a daily practice.  In fact, I believe it would be advantageous to our faith if we, as a body of believers, made it habitual to be more concerned with people than our agendas.

I’ll end with just one story of how this willingness to communicate rather than being blinded with the need to do what’s next, played out in Baltimore, John Hopkins’ campus to be more precise.  Before I do, I want to acknowledge I was pretty vague in my description of blessings we encountered, but it was purposeful.  I do not want to box in what this perspective change will bring you or, even worse, the belief you are entitled to a like experience when you encounter a masterpiece of God's you have not met before. With that said it's good to share small ways you have been encouraged.

We were rushing to the building where Ravi was speaking, and a woman asked if we were heading that way and if she could follow us.  Waving her and her two campaigns on, we continued on as a group.  Fighting the urge to rush to the front of the group to get to the building a split second sooner than the others, I started talking to the most recent members of our entourage.  It turns out that they work for Ravi and two of them were going to be on stage with him to address the Q&A portion of the talk.  Ruth, the woman who first inquired about our destination, handed Andrew and me a business card, telling us to contact her and she will try to send us a book or something.  To be clear this is not a “treat everyone nice because there is a chance they are a connection to someone famous” plea, the other like stories on the trip involved average Joes in the world’s eyes, but we got a glimpse into the masterpiece God has for them through our interaction.  This is “let’s be a people that truly believe we have the same Father and big brother in Christ, and treat them like so, valuing them over our to-do list.”     

Ravi

             

What has Taken Place Spiritually this Summer

This is my response to a debrief question that was somewhere along the lines of "What has Taken Place Spiritually this Summer" asked by the great folks at world harvest missions. 

I guess to answer that question honestly I would first have to confess my pre-formulated  Christian-sounding response. Along side this response there is a confession of pride and a desire to be viewed as holy and knowledgable of The Lord in a profound way. My pre-formulated response would go something like this: "Hebrews 12:28 talks about the unshakable kingdom we receive in Christ, and verse 27 talks about how God shakes all creation so only the unshakable remains. These verses really resonated with me over this summer because these truths are clearly amplified in a cross-cultural setting.  This is only one of the reasons I strongly encourage  that everyone should go on a cross-cultural mission experience."  Before I move I want to validate that I believe my pre-formulated response is not only biblical but the reality of those words did play out some this summer for me.  The reason I confess that answer rather than profess it is that it is good sounding head knowledge, that God was faithful in fulfilling despite me. That response does not leave room for God uniquely working in me, a specific loved child of God. It does not point to the fact that He loves to pursue me passionately creatively and with newness. So although I definitely had some American values shaken leaving the solid underlying foundation built on The cornerstone of Christ, He more so taught/retaught me of His diversity in "speaking"  caring and loving for His people. 

One obvious way He "spoke" to me was through the sonship course, lesson after lesson on our undeserving adoption into His family. However, these lessons also made a clear distinction that undeserving does not mean begrudgingly. God not only redeems, meaning turns our mess-up into a situation where good can come out of it, but He also does not make His love contingent on our actions.  

I have also been aware of His diversity in speaking by witnessing and partnering with different Christians making a real impact in their community, some in ways completely different than the way I would.  The third main way this spiritual awakening has happened is that my go-to ministry tactics were neutralized by me going out of America. These go-to tactics include things like purchasing food for a loved but in need child of God with my credit card. This allows me to meet a physical need while looking for an opportunity to go into spiritual matters. I think this is a good practice and plan to continue getting to know the less fortunate around me, but it is also a situation I have prepared and prayed for, again both good things. It simply took me out of my comfort zone, which I thought was much larger than it actually is, to come across situations with no precedent and realize God still wants to move through me in situations I am clueless on what to do.

To end this post I just want to say another serious thank you for all my supporters partners and pray warriors who helped me get to Ireland, and to preserve with faithfulness for the whole time. If anyone would like to talk to me about my time in overseas missions this summer please message me I would love to share more of how Jesus moved this summer. 

Dia duit

The title of this post means “God be with you.” That is a common greeting in Irish. Before I go on, note: I only have my phone and limited wifi access, therefore expect this to be a short, maybe choppy, post. Right now I am in the middle of a sonship course in Greystones. Greystones is a beautiful place and the sonship course is a deep look at our blessed adoption into His kingdom. I've been meeting a lot of cool people and learning some really sweet, in the traditional since, things. We cannot earn God’s love, it is not given to us through clinched teeth but freely and with pleasure. Know, truly know, two things: you are hopelessly wicked and God is miraculously good. Good in such a way that your hopelessness is redeemed despite yourself. From working out of those two truths you have the pleasure to accept God's invitation to pursue disciplines to spend intentional time with your savior like praying, scripture reading and study time as well as fasts and the like. If you express these disciplines outside these two truths, it leads to hopelessness that you are not allowing God to heal. So that is a little of what I am learning. We are also working along side Irish interns, which has been a cool cross-cultural experience. In this setting it is easier to see how I let my culture define my faith rather than my God. There is a load more going on but texting is hard and it will take more time than I have now to explain it well. Thank you all that helped me get here and be praying for me, the other interns, and the people we will interact with.

What Impact did I Make?

So last year I would have been nearly immobilized to hear I had to raise over five grand to serve the Lord.  Thinking, I can't ask people to support me financially so I can be extremely blessed to do His work, that is too good to be true situation.  However, I have learned that it is also a blessing for others to partner with me. If my friend asked me if they can buy me a drink and I say no (which I have done before), I am denying them the reward of blessing someone else.  That is what Ministry Partnership is, in a much grander scale.  Instead of a refreshment, I am allowing people to refresh my, and in many cases their own, soul(s) by putting hands and feet to God's and His people’s prayers.  This is an honorable and trustworthy system predating Paul's first letter.  Now, I've come to believe this truth is theologically sound and I've grown in my understanding to trust that it is biblical. Unfortunately, as I apply this truth to my life, lies creep in.  As I continue to raise money I am disheartened by the apathy my friends seem to have for my trip.  Not all of them, but as the saying goes: it takes ten good deeds to block out one bad one.  So whether it is a perceived majority or actual majority, this nonchalant response my brothers and sisters in Christ have for something God has deeply woven in my heart frustrates me.  Some of it is in a godly discontent, but some of it is prideful and selfish way.  The worst part of it is I am having trouble distinguishing the two.

I started this post, but didn't want to seem bitter and post it in my frustration, so I sat on it. Since then I actively started wrestling with this dilemma, which has given much light to the situation.  Yes, it is still hard when I have poured into people's lives with the joy of Christ intentionally for two, three, sometimes even more years, and when this opportunity to help me go on a mission trip arises, it is as if I am a stranger.  Funny thing about "strangers" in relations to Christianity is that we are called to love strangers for they are our sibling in Christ. I have been blessed to see this lived out; hundreds of the dollars I've raised have come from generous hearts of people I have never met before they donated, and in many cases will never see this side of heaven again.  This is yet another reason I am glad I did not rush to update my blog.  This love I was shown, that was given not because who I am but because who I serve, was humbling.  The support I am getting is not an evaluation of my worth, but a revelation of others’ love for Him.

That simple sentence may just seem like the last sentence to the second paragraph on a blog of a guy you may or may not know, but to me it was comfort, love and God's hand on my shoulder.  I was getting a little bitter towards people that I have cared for, given up sleep time for, bought dinner for, cooked for, invited into my home and shown hospitality towards, all because they didn't care to support me as I was doing something God was calling me to.  The love of those whom I have never even given a drink of water to convicted me in the best way, forcing me to ask, "Did I care for them to get something in return, or because of God's love in my life (see Luke 6:34).  It was from exploring that question that I realized I was wrapping my worth into my support raising.  I was letting others define me, people would turn a blind eye to my needs for this mission.  In return I would wonder if I even had an impact on their life, if I have ever shown God with my actions.  In some ways I was thinking I was being turned a blind eye because I was not worthy to be looked at.  That was such a selfish viewpoint, thinking I was the center of the universe, not caring for them past this petty hurt.  Some people I found out didn't turn a blind eye, but waited for bank things to be settled, (granted prayer or encouraging words in the meantime would have been beautiful). Others have been hurt in a way they feel that Ireland isn't where they can support from a loving heart, which is sad, but understandable. In situation of brokenness, that is everywhere, I should pray and care for them, not just want them to get over it and give me money.  Still others love money more than me or supporting missions, which is not right but it is not a sin against me.  They have not had their eyes open to the wonders of partnering with God, trusting Him more than wealth.  Their are plenty of other reasons, but one more I want to mention is some people give beyond their means already, they have a heart for certain things out of God's inspiration and although they may be joyed to hear of my trip, they have not been called to support me.  Which is right and good because I know sometimes you have to say no even to good things, or you will be burnt out doing Christian things, rather than living a Christian life.  I am so glad God has been teaching me these lessons because I plan to go into ministry and the challenge and difficulties of raising $5,000 was discouraging me from going into ministries, thinking I did not have a large enough support base.  In an earthly mindset this makes sense; if I can't even get enough for two months mission trip, how can I make a sustainable living?  With God that is not a sound concern, He sent his disciples out with no money and they came back with great stories because God provides what we need (see Luke 10).

To wrap up here is a finical update: I am right around $2,000 short for my mission and the support is due in 9 days.  If you feel like you can give glory to God with a contribution, no matter how small, it would be much appreciated (http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=22066  ).  I truly trust that this is not a large number for God, even though it feels like an enormous gap in such a small time for me; if God wants me in Ireland, like I believe He does, I will get the funding.  However, I also believe that God partners with broken people like you and me to do great things we couldn't do on our own.  Therefore, I must be diligent in my pursuit of funding and forming partners to pray with and talk to. Feel free to email me at Mr.Palcsak@gmail.com with any questions, comments, concerns, or encouragements. This email is primarily dedicated for communication for partners in the faith and missions, so please do not hesitant to send me an email.     

 http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=22066  

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 [EL1]Not a word, but it works

Moving to a Different Beat

If worship in the musical expression were a lady, our relationship would be complicated, sprouting from a rough first couple dates.

First a little back story, I got saved when I was 18 years of age (see older blog posts for more details),  and I was completely invested in my youth group, I mean it was the least I could do, it was in part because of the youth group existence that I recognized my true need to meet Jesus as my personal savior.  I do not mean where I heard the name Jesus but understood the reality, that me wearing the cross necklace and saying, "I'm a christian" wasn't the beautiful invitation Christ had in store for me.  It was because of this commitment to this youth group and my belief in the message being proclaimed there that I never really had to be pulled aside to be talked to.

So when the musical worship ended and Mr. Rowe, the youth pastor, asked if he could talk to me for a moment, it was not a normal practice.  He called me over just because I was making hand gestures for each word for "Mighty to Save" and trying to get some friends to use them. Granted I was doing it more for my attention than for His glory.  As Mr. Rowe was talking to me I remember wanting to dismiss his rebuke, classify it as a "agree to disagree" situation.  I thought we just had different views on musical worship, he liked it and I just wanted to get to the Bible study.  However, I am glad I did not harden my heart to his words, explaining the importance of showing God we love Him in a plethora of ways, including musical worship. 

That conversation was a learning moment, that has played out in my own life multiple times.  I was faced with advice given to me in a situation where I did not do anything inherently wrong, aside from trying to spice up a seemingly less important part of youth group.  It would have been easy for me to nod my head say "you're right" and just mouth the words of the worship songs to play the "good Christian role."  Instead of that lackluster passive approach, I entered into a time of investigation of the importance of musical worship. I would like to say that I came out the other side of the investigation simply captivated by all worship songs, but that would be a lie.

To this day I struggle to get fully immersed in praising the heavenly Father with song.  I question the biblical accuracy of the lyrics, and I wonder if I am singing for others in the room, or the Lord solely.  Truth  be told if church would be done my way, we would most likely sing one maybe two worship songs max.  This would be the musical stance at the Church of Kevin, despite the fact that God has moved me deeply, from time to time, via musical worship, and my knowledge that it is pleasing to the Lords' spirit to lift our voices up to Him in praise and adoration "Oh come, let us sing to the LORD; let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation!" -Psalm 95:1- The reason for the disconnect is because church is meant to be about Christ not ourselves.

Reflecting on how God has worked in my musical life has made me ask two main questions to filter my thought process through.  One: how do I handle rebuke? Do I handle it like a fool, ignoring it, or like a wise man, learning from it? "Do not rebuke mockers or they will hate you; rebuke the wise and they will love you," -Proverbs 9:8- Two: is my faith for my self-indulgence or for His edification?  It is true that true faith is living a life we were designed for, therefore we will be most satisfied as we are glorifying God.  On the other hand it is false to assume we have faith to make life easier.

Anyways, this whole post was inspired because, as you most likely know, I am going to Ireland and I started looking for Irish Christian bands. I am sure that the musical atmosphere will be as different as I have been discovering that the culture is. I am excited to embark in a completely different worship experience, musical and otherwise.  I am also pleased to  inform you that I have found an awesome Irish Christian band called Rend Collective Experience, and posted one of my favorite songs below. Speaking of Ireland, I am still pretty short financially (less than half funded) so if you can support me in that way it would be much appreciated.  Simply go to www.whm.org/give/give-to-a-missionary, then click on my name, Kevin Palcsak. Thank you in advance for the ways that you are partnering with me in God's mission in Ireland.

Procrastination and Productivity don't Mix

Ok, I plan for this to be one of my shortest post ever, but we will see how that goes. I meant to be posting more often in order to get in a habit of keeping my supports updated on what one of their favorite missionaries has been up to.  However this has been a crazy last couples of weeks, and I am just getting use to the increase pace.  I am graduating in May so it is crunch time here at ECU.  But as the title might have suggested I have not been too busy to keep up with things such as my blog, but to lazy to make the effort.  Now in the last couple of weeks I have done some really cool things, like reached out of the Christian bubble to make some cool friends and gave a talk on "The Gospel in the Old Testament" at Intervarsity the Christian organization I am a part of, which was amazing probably one of my favorite talks to give, great one end with.  On the other hand after a day of doing this that and another, some things really important others not so much so,I have also thought of all the things I still wanted to get done and just watched TV until I was so tired it made sense to just go to bed.  Currently it is 9 till 2 and I just finished some homework and felt the urge to post a update blog.  I am trying to have my post be less polished and more raw, but still have a coherent flow for others reading, it is a work in progress.  Anyways that is a short little summary of how procrastination and productivity don't mix , the same concept applies for Kingdom productivity, only even more so.  I hope*will try to get another blog posted soon more geared towards my excitement and preparation for going to Ireland!

As always if you would like to find out more about my trip to Ireland go to World Harvest Missions webiste or my previous blog "Go and Make disciples in Ireland" and/or/than contribute financially at http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=22066 (half of the money was due on the 11th and I am not quite there yet).  I realize my past three or so blogs have been about my shortcomings I promise I have positive attributes, I am just prideful so it is more helpful for me to write out areas of improvements than tell you how I've been allowing God to prepare me for missions.  

*I am trying not to use the word hope as often because it is a powerful word that implies reliance, if you truly hope for something and it does not come through you will be devastated.  I truly put my hope in Jesus knowing He will save me.  I do not hope to see you tomorrow, though it would be nice if I did.     

Relatively Hot

When it is snowing outside and I make it to my apartment, it is relatively hot.  I do not mean to say that it is pretty hot in my apartment, because my roommates and I decided to not turn on the heat all winter in order to save money.  What I mean is relative to the snow outside my 40ish degree apartment is hot.  This is a obvious statement but it can be lost in translation when applied to spiritual matters.  I can seem relatively hot and on fire for God when surrounded by new and not-yet-Christians, even if I am experiencing a low in my walk with the lord. 

This can be a dangerous reality feeding into a "Pharisee" type of mind set or cynical feelings towards others.  That is why it is really great to challenge yourself by having deep conversations with the strong Christians that you know.  Obviously, the righteous road is narrow, so trapping yourself in a Christian bubble will not give you the freedom to live out the Great Commission Jesus gave in Matthew 28, to make disciples, so it is also important to share your faith with those who do not already know Jesus.  However, the witnessing aspect of the training weekend can be a blog for another time provided it is a "Luke 10" type of situation, not a "Matthew 6," if you catch my draft.  This is about the uplifting time I had bonding with my fellow missionaries in PA.

I believe Mission training was just a small sample of the great things to come this summer with World Harvest Missions.  The folks running everything set up great organizational things and the care and planning that went into the logistics of the whole weekend was clear.  Even with all that working for the training the best part of the weekend was hands down the interactions I had with other 20-some-year-old college students that had a real heart for God.  Not only did they have a spirit for God but they also had willingness to take bold steps down the adventurous path laid by the hands of the creator of all good things!  Anyone who left the Christian faith out of boredom never understood what Christ did or what His mission is!

The renewing atmosphere can hardly be put into words, it was like being in a room filled with die hard ECU (insert favorite team) fans as they are reminiscing over the previous night's overtime win.  Only instead of fans, we were members, and instead of reminiscing, we were equipping.  Members of the most high God passionately and excitedly being equipped for His missions He called each one of us to overseas.  We would be joking around about what kind of orange sour cream looking substance we trustingly were spreading over our bagel, and then... As if as natural as breathing, Jesus' name would fly across one of our lips.  It would not enter the room with the silence that can proceed the utterance of the most powerful name in everyday life.  No, there was no amplified heart beats as His name was reverently praised.  This time, it might have been something like how diversely and personally Jesus our savior works.  After adoration was verbalized, the conversation could easily flow back to the breakfast spread, or it could transform into this deep relevant and truthful proclamation of Jesus' attributes.

Being surrounded by this kind of community reminded me of the one I have only read about in Acts.  Granted no one sold property to meet a need of another brother, but I could see a glimpse of how mustard-seed faith could blossom into a martyr's dying act of joyful obedience (Acts 7).

The ability to pick any one of my fellow brothers or sisters in Christ and have an educated discussion about the Bible, and the drive to apply what we know/learn, was amazing.  This was a wakeup call for me about what being on fire for God feels like.  My concluding note is this: do not be quick to be proud because you are relatively godly. That is like saying that my apartment is hot because it’s colder outside.  God is leading His people in every cultural to some amazing things!  Of course we could take this a step further and compare my apartment to the sun , there is really no comparison, just like when our, as humans, good deeds are compared to God’s righteousness.   

For those who do not know, the training I was referring to was preparing me to go to Ireland for two months on full time missions.  More information about my missions can be found on my last post "Go and make disciples in Ireland."

Go and Make disciples in Ireland

Ok so if anyone cared to read my extremely long messy but raw last post, at the end I put a link on how to support me financially for my missions to Ireland, and I wanted to give anyone interested my official support letter.  I want to post this so that you know more about how you will be helping God move through me and in Ireland.  As much money would help me get to Ireland, pray and an actually support team praying for my needs and of the needs of the World Harvest team will help us live for Christ in Ireland not just survive the trip.  

Hey!

I am truly blessed to have an amazing opportunity to spread God’s love to Ireland this summer, with World Harvest Mission (WHM), and I am excited to invite you into the experience as well, not just financial either.  Yes, I need to raise money.  I need to raise $5,371 to be exact, by May 15^th, and I will mention where and how to support me financially at the end of the letter.  I do not want the money thing to be a stigma, in fact I am not too concerned about it; maybe it is my confidence that God will provide, or maybe it is my naïve youthful spirit, to be honest it’s most likely some combination of the two.  Either way I do not feel money is going to be an issue.  Which is in itself a small miracle, just last year that whole money topic would be so hard to mention, thinking it was in some way humiliating and that I was begging for money for nothing.  God has really worked in my heart to see that fundraising is an opportunity for others to be the blessed vessel in which God works, and I hope that is precisely how you feel about the prospect of partnering with me as I go to Ireland in the name of Christ. 

So what exactly is this great thing that you have a chance to be a part of? Well, I will be going to Ireland from June 5^th to August 5^th, while there my full time occupation will be to care and nurture an environment for the Holy Spirit of God to work and grow in.  I will be able to devote all my time to this because your contribution will cover housing, airfare, even food, and I will be able to stay strong in the spirit and endure in part because of your prayers.  I ask that you would pray for my boldness instead of my protection, and for my comfort zone to be stretched instead of a comfortable and easy time.  I had to evaluate how I wanted you to pray for me and submit it to what would bring God the most glory.  So please pray that I stay strong and never lose heart telling others about our majestic forgiver.   

In order to effectively minister in Ireland we will be partnering with Irish college students and young adults who care about the spiritual health of their homeland.  This will be a cross-cultural journey that I truly believe will allow me to see God in a context I never had before.  I plan to use however God WILL show up in guiding my next steps in life.  I am highly considering becoming a full time youth minister, urban minister, or missionary; however, I feel like I should not make that decision until after I experience what it is like to be Christian in another context.     

Now the “how” of finical support, checks can be made payable to World Harvest Mission and sent to:
World Harvest Mission
Donations Processing Center
PO Box   1244
Albert Lea, MN      56007-1244

 If you choose this route please remember to include my Pledge Card in the envelope with your donation. You can also donate online by going to www.whm.org/give/give-to-a-missionary and giving to Kevin Palcsak.

If you choose to support me in prayer, please do not forget my brothers and sisters in Christ going with me and who are already there or the Irish hearts that might be open to the true Gospel for the first time.

Your Brother in Christ,

Kevin Palcsak

I did not include the pledge card so if you plan to mail the support please let me know first so I can get you a copy of the pledge card.

I'm a Missionary not worthy of His Mission

Since my last post, so long ago, I have written starts to a lot of topics God placed on my heart. All these beginnings and ideas but with no follow trough, so they are all still in my drafts. However, all these post started because they are kingdom issues God taught me some great things about and I think my insight might help others. Why do I not finish them, at least some? That is a good question, to which I do not have an easy answer, but it will be addressed in this post as part of the reason I am not worthy to His call to be a missionary.

 First things first, I am going to Ireland for a two months missions project, but we are all commanded not called to go and make disciples, so we are all missionaries, and this post would be equally true if I was just spreading the good news in my hometown this summer. Before I move on I must admit that the subject matter in this post was one of the topics mentioned in the first paragraph and I probably wouldn't have felt compelled to work through this subject more if I wasn't going overseas to tell a different culture about Jesus, and asking other people for money to do so. Lastly before we get to the crux of this post I believe all this preamble was just a stall because this is going to be by far the hardest blog post I've every done. I am a prideful man and this is taking a deep look why I am woefully unequipped to serve my Master Jesus Christ.

I, for the most part, enjoy studying scripture, and definitely like knowing the verses to support my case. This is my opening point for why I am not good enough for God, because Jesus, God incarnate, reserved some of his harshest language for the pharisees and other religious know-it-alls. I am not saying reading my Bible is a strike against my character, Jesus the perfect God modeled for us the importance of knowing God's word, it was in part how He Himself avoided the devil's temptations. In fact we are instructed to devote ourselves to the scriptures daily. The reason some of Jesus' harshest language "son of vipers" are often times directed at me, is I find my worth in my bible knowledge, I try to form a relationship with an inanimate object, rather than the creator of life.

 “You search the Scriptures because you think they give you eternal life. But the Scriptures point to me! -John 5:39-

 I even see how the Pharisees are better then me at least they had had follow through in their false idols, they fasted twice a week memorized full books of the bible they committed themselves to the law. Yes I know this showy form of self-worship masqueraded as true worship was something Jesus warned them not to do. To be honest when I was a younger christian I was dumbfounded that the Pharisees had Jesus, the well spring of life, yet clung to their shattered pieces of drinking jars, known as religious practices. Now as I have become wiser in my own way I can relate more to them, which is a dangerous path. I understood that they grow up being taught that to please God do this that and another, then this homeless guy just strolls in saying their livelihood is built upon misunderstandings. How else do you suspect them to react? "Great Jesus I'll do it your way". I know for me when I read something in the bible that doesn't line up with My God or My way of thinking I am not quick to lay down my beliefs for the truth. What God wants and tells me to do should take precedent over tradition, but tradition is easy and comfortable with a lot of my friends supporting me in that.

 I read my Bible and it says love my neighbor as myself as part of the greatest commandment, it tells me in order to get into the kingdom of God, we with two jackets must give to those with none. I compare that with the Christian culture in America today and get nearly opposite picture. Instead of brothers and sisters giving even out of their needs, I see pastors in $50,000 cars and hear stories of homeless and humans with records being kicked out of God's place of worship. Again I look at the scripture and I see That Jesus says what you've done to the least of these you've done to me" Then I think back to the Pharisees tradition that says memorize some books tell people what to do and receive prestige and power, or follow this Jesus guy, and lose wealth respect and be hated. I respond often in the same way they did, avoidance, or trying to make my own lifestyle look more godly than the actual godly thing to do.

The realization of the difference between what Christian are called to and how a lot, not all, act can also lead to becoming cynical and/or a since of hopelessness. Cynical in the way that I did, I started following Jesus words more carefully when I was in the mood. During the time I was in the mood I acted as if I never deviated from follower Jesus. When I had compassion for a stranger I was outraged that my friend didn't share my heart, but if I wasn't in the mood there was always understandable extenuating circumstances. I felt a mix of superiority and frustration because I was reading and praying, and some of my friends were not. Frustrated they claimed Jesus with their words but I could point out their inconsistencies even in the dark. 

Forgetting the lesson taught in Matthew 7 I first must look at my own sins then others. So that is what I do sometimes, like now, reflecting on how dreadfully short I am from the perfect Holy one which is God. Keeping that lesson in minds takes me down the hopelessness path, if I am doing this that and another, and still fall so short of God my friends are surely screwed. Or well they are saved and they do not do nearly as much activity as I do, so my effort is wasted. The worst for me is when I just get apathetic to my faith due to the deep reality. Following God is impossible no one is doing a good job and it is lonely trying.

It is at this point when I walk away from the passionate drive God gave me and I re-look at His good commands for us, and I see the temporary fun in saying yes to sin but not the devastating outcomes to simultaneously saying no to God. I think how I do not do this or that or that or that and I go here and give to this resulting in giving away x amount of clothes and x amount of money, all because I want to look christian. I weigh the perceived gain against what I would lose and I think... how I have to be a Christian. This is not yet the Sunday church answer "I just got to be a Christian because life with out Him is buns. It is for the last 5 years of my life being Christian has been my life so I must be a Christian, much as I imagine, the Pharisees felt about the following the law. My whole college I've barely cared about school just enough to get good grades, never doing anything extra to set me apart from any other classmate aside from my Christian organization I am highly involved in InterVarsity. My girlfriend would not date a non-Christian the only future plans I've been looking at involve being a Christian; youth college or urban minister or missionary, all of which I am not worthy of.

Here is where the pretty bow is suppose to go, to wrap up my blog post and put a happy ending on it. That is not what is going to happen because it is part of my brokenness, I care too much about appearances, this has resulted in some earthly loses like giving some of my favorite shirts because it put all the attention on me. In the same way I care how people perceive me like my writing skills (one reason I am just posting this rather than saving in drafts till it is good enough for the public, I use to never do that, my first posts are sloppy and not the best written but I read them and I remember what God did for me then. And that is one of the reasons I started blogging to remind me of God's work in my life) especially my christian walk, so I just want to say I wrestle with not being worthy with one hand and being too prideful in the other, I am not worthy of God's love because I am messed up and try to earn it.

(awkward break)

All that I wrote is to the best of my knowledge true, but is also true that God is the one holding us up not the other way around, God died precisely because we were are not worthy. It is these truths I must submerge myself in to remember: I am worthy of the mission and the support, both finical and spiritually, I am raising for Ireland not because I am so godly, but because God is so redeeming. What other response do I have than to tell others about this kind of redemption. To wrap this post up I am confidently putting a link to World Harvest mission, the organization I am going to Ireland with, so you can get more information to pray for me about, and I have no qualms also saying God is doing great things in my life because of who He is.  So it would be a good use of your money if you also feel lead to donate financially. I say this even after a whole post of how I try to be labeled a Christian sometimes more then I try to follow Christ.  I still have this confidants only because He will not stop the good work He did in me, and I believe Ireland will be a great stepping stone of growth for me personally and He will use me in ways I can not even imagine yet.

http://www.whm.org/give/missionary?ID=22066